The Webmaster

After five days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Spike Milligan: 'How are you at Mathematics?'.

Harry Secombe: 'I speak it like a native'.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

All men are cremated equal.

Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.

Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: 'I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use? 2B, or not 2B?'

I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. (Kindly sent in by Suzanne B)

Spike: there's only one cure for seasickness

Somebody: what's that?

Spike: climb a tree.

Whenever I see this I remember the story of a mad man in a psychiatric hospital who kept tapping and tapping and tapping to ...see more

The Optimist, the Pessimist, and the Engineer

The optimist says: “The glass is half full.”

The pessimist says: “The glass is half empty.”

The engineer says: “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 2 pi sqr root of l over g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper."

The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'

Thanks to another biker at uk.rec.motorcycles

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, "when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Thanks to Mike at BGHS

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Thanks to another biker at uk.rec.motorcycles

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.

The word "pound" is abbreviated "lb." after the constellation "Libra" because it means "pound" in Latin, and also "scales." The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an "L" for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Same goes for the Italian lira, which uses the same abbreviation ("lira" coming from "libra"). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence," abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius).

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat," which means "the king is dead."

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

The aeroplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

Thanks to a biker at uk.rec.motorcycles

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.

ANGLE GRINDER:
When used to just take off that tiny burr - effectively turns a perfectly painted panel into a surface resembling that of 30 grade sandpaper. If a wire wheel is attached, can also be used by the more extreme body mutilation aficionados and, for riot control; those sharp little wires shoot off in every direction and, at amazing speed.

BACKSAW:
Invented by William Back, the sawdust magnate. Used for recycling excess floorboards.

BALL-PEEN HAMMER:
Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Francisco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ball-peen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centre-punch.

BATTERY HYDROMETER:
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

BRAKE PIPE FLARING TOOL:
A device for increasing the diameter of the ends of brake pipes, which is so stupid, that it doesn't know that when the pipe fits perfectly, one of the unions has either been left off or put on backwards.

CIRCLIP PLIERS:
Used to prise the lids off paint tins. Work better, if you snap off those silly little nibs that fit circlips.

CROWBAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that tiny clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

ELECTRIC DRILL:
Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading mayonnaise, however, used mainly for getting dog-crap off your boot.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Also used for bending nails. If used properly, nail will bend, then fire itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.

HYDRAULIC JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have restored your brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4x2:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

LEAD LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

MOLE WRENCH:
Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. However, is also capable of causing the prone user to get out from underneath a car at the speed of light, when the white hot blob of braze won't take on the exhaust silencer, you were hoping might last another week or two, and eventually falls on your chest.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.

SCREWDRIVER:
Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.

SILVER SOLDER:
Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, its main intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove the "no two snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It has been said that Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on cockroaches.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing custom made leather goods.

STAPLING GUN:
Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another, as staples are not made in that size.

SU ADJUSTING SPANNER:
Teeny 1 1/2" long mini-spanner; drop into the inaccessible recesses of your engine-bay, to simulate that vintage intermittent rattling noise. If you don't want that vintage sound, it can easily be retrieved, see under two-ton hydraulic engine hoist.

TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TIN SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth-straps and other lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large engine-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end and no handle on the other.

WHITWORTH SPANNERS:
Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or any other you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." See also angle grinder.

CAUSTIC SODA:
Used for dissolving gummy deposits on SU fuel pump filters, then dissolving the filter.

GUNK:
Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks' primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.

IMPACT ADHESIVE:
Used for removing the slots between your fingers.

LACQUER THINNER:
Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.

MINERAL SPIRITS:
Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx. one month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.

SILICON WAX:
Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.

PRE-PAINT CELLULOSE THINNERS:
Used to ensure that any silicon wax present, is distributed more evenly over the surface to be painted.

WD40:
Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell nice.

Astronomers have revealed that there will be a "Terrestrial Eclipse" tonight!

This happens when the Earth and the Sun are so aligned that half the Earth obscures the light of the Sun from the other half. This rare occurrence only happens every 24 hours and plunges 50% of the Earth into darkness.

The effect is made possible because one half of the Earth is exactly the same size as the other and so blocks all the sunlight that would otherwise fall on the other side. Vast crowds of people are expected to fall unconscious as the light and heat from the Sun are removed, in a state called "sleep".

Animals may similarly be affected and pet owners are advised to give their animals a saucer of milk as the light fades. It is suggested that the eclipse will be best viewed from home although motoring organisations have warned that there may be hold-ups as people prepare to view the eclipse. They also recommend use of lights when driving during the eclipse.

Scientists predict there may well be another Terrestrial Eclipse tomorrow.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by PVL Ltd

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter to re-breed

After five years the biggest meanest dog the world that had ever been seen had been bred. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal.

It was a NINE foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the entire Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", one of the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all travelling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

A Doctor was explaining to a Irishman how nature sometimes compensates for a persons deficiencies. "For example," he told him, "If a man is deaf, he may have keener sight, and if a man is blind, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I think I see what you mean," said the Paddy, "I've often noticed that if a man has one short leg, then the other one is always longer....."

No offence meant to our Irish customers - (Any Jokes about the English?)

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.

The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.

A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he's got four balls."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

Buying paint from an airline

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, Sir that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? when would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50 Thanks for flying - I mean painting - with our airline.

Dear Valued Employee,

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).
As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Your Automated Payroll Processing System

An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade. "I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?" "Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write. Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right. Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Right?

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second eldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognising the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule, and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The eldest son therefore got one-half or nine; The second got one-third or six. The youngest got one-ninth or two. Adding up 9, 6, and 2 equals 17. The uncle having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"